


Tell Me (So I Can Understand Your Love)

by larry_thenight



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 09:53:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19665019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larry_thenight/pseuds/larry_thenight
Summary: Sebastian knew that look. He’d recognize that expression from miles away.





	Tell Me (So I Can Understand Your Love)

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by Sabrina Claudio’s song Tell Me

Sebastian knew that look. He’d recognize that expression from miles away. Chris was itching to talk to him, he looked pained even. Sebastian almost wanted to reach out to him. Probably would if it weren’t for the 10 other co-stars sitting in between them and the fact that they’re in the middle of a fan con. But Sebastian just might thank his lucky stars for this particular obstacle, because the thing is… Sebastian is supposed to be upset with him. He is. Or was. He doesn’t know anymore.

He doesn’t know anymore because is Chris is looking at him from across the stage with his stupid beautiful blue eyes, eyes that have looked straight into Sebastian’s in intimate ways that would never be shared with the world, eyes that were full of hope and unfulfilled promises, eyes that right now looked like they were screaming an apology, an explanation.

Sebastian would glance back at him from time to time and could see that Chris would barely break his stare, but he guesses Chris doesn’t give a fuck because it’s not really obvious due to the distance between them.

He wants to feel bad, wants to talk to him, wants to give Chris what his eyes are yearning from him. But goddammit, Sebastian has wanted to talk to him, to see him, for months and has gotten nothing but radio silence. Spare a few one worded texts back, Chris barely communicated with him during the press break. Sebastian tried so hard to stay to connected but Chris wasn’t reciprocating and he didn’t know why.

It was excruciating. But it’s not like Sebastian wasn’t used to it. In fact this was the norm. But it doesn’t make it any less painful on his own heart. Sebastian and Chris always found a way to reconnect during filming and promo season but whenever it was all over and they’d have to leave for other projects it was always “we’ll keep in touch, yeah?” but never actually following through. It wasn’t really Chris’s fault though, he knew that. They were both busy and were often not even in the same country. But Sebastian knew they could’ve done better, he wished they could’ve done better.

After a while Sebastian just had come to terms that whatever they had was only an in-between type thing. Something special only during work, during their time as co-stars. But never outside of it. Never permanent.

And as much as he’d hate to admit it, it hurts him. Every time he and Chris got together it was intense and beautiful and made Sebastian fall more and more in love with him. Saying goodbye to Chris was hard because he knew they’d fall out of communication for a while. All Sebastian could do was keep himself busy with work and act like his feelings weren’t eating him from the inside. It might be too much to ask but Sebastian wants more, wants more than the 4-6 months they spend in their bubble.

Sebastian wants every day, every hour, every minute. It’s not about being with him physically. It’s just about knowing, having the certainty that no matter where they are Chris loves him. The certainty that no matter how far away they have to be from each other, it’s still the two of them against the world, always.

But right now Sebastian doesn’t have that certainty, doesn’t have any reassurance and Chris hasn’t done much on his part to even give Sebastian an explanation. How hard is it to have a 5 minute conversation. Sebastian is tired of it. His heart is exhausted. It’s no help to him that Chris has had to have romantic appearances with other women the past few months. He knows it’s a part of the job, but with barely any contact with Chris all those photos he has seen of him looking chummy with these women might as well have been authentic and genuine. Sebastian doesn’t know. For all he knows Chris might not even be in love with him anymore. He isn’t ready to hear that.

  
————————————————————————————————————————  


The con ends about 3 hours later and Sebastian is beat. Mackie and Paul tried convincing him into getting a few drinks but he knew Chris would probably be invited as well and he just doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be anywhere near Chris right now. He just wants to call it a night. So instead, he heads straight to his hotel after Anthony and Paul have given up.

He reaches his floor, pulls out his key card, enters it into the slot, and just as he is about to open his door he hears another one not that far away from his open followed by a soft,

“Hey Seb.”

Sebastian stands there, frozen, hand gripped on the door knob. Chris. He feels his heart immediately start racing. What the fuck. Chris is not supposed to be here. After screaming a hundred expletives in his head and taking a deep breath he turns to face Chris.

“Hey,” is all he can say.

_God_ , Sebastian thinks, is he sweating right now? Seeing Chris just a few feet away from him with no one else around is overwhelming and he has been losing his wits to avoid him tonight and now he’s here.

“Can we talk?” Chris asks softly.

“I thought you went out with Mackie and them.” Seb responds, trying with all his might to get out of this situation.

“Oh yeah um, I didn’t feel like it.” Chris averts his gaze away from him and looks down.

Sebastian can see Chris’s anxiety building up in him and Seb’s heart _aches_.

“Chris.” Sebastian says trying to pull Chris back away from his thoughts.

Chris looks up at him. “Right. You wanna come in for a while?”

Sebastian deep in his core wants to say no. Chris has had many opportunities to have a conversation with him and chooses now? Fuck.

“Yeah, sure.” Sebastian exhales and follows Chris into his room.

“You want anything drink?” Chris offers.

“I’m alright. What did you want to talk about.” Sebastian doesn’t mean to sound cold but it just came out that way and he can’t miss how Chris flinches at his tone.

“I just… I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“For?” Sebastian waits.

Chris takes a deep breath. “For everything. I know— I know I haven’t been present. I haven’t called or visited. It’s just, things have been kinda crazy and I didn’t really know how to tell you.”

This is bullshit. “How about ‘ _Hey! Things are crazy I can’t really talk these days_ ’ it’s not that hard. You can’t even text me these things? God Chris am I the only one trying here? Am I alone in this?”

“No! No Seb.” Chris looks as if he just got punched in the gut. “Seb… I’m so sorry. I know that you think this is all bullshit and that I’m bullshit but it’s been so hard. I just… I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m fucking it all up. Especially with you.”

“I don’t understand. Chris, we both know this wasn’t going to be easy. I know both of us aren’t ready. All I’m asking for is you to communicate with me. If it’s hard for you it’s just as difficult for me. I know our routine Chris, I know you disappear when we’re out of our Marvel bubble but we’re supposed to be in a relationship. A fucking relationship. That’s what you told me. But now you don’t even talk to me. I just want you to _talk_ to me.” Sebastian pleads.

Chris bites his lip, he’s struggling to find the words. He has no good excuse for his silence other than that he’s scared but he knows that isn’t gonna cut it with Sebastian. Sebastian deserves more than that.

“You told me. You told me before the last promo season, that no matter where we are or who we have to be seen with you’d still make time to check in with me. I know that sometimes it’s harder for you to start that communication, I know you get way into your head which is why I tried to reach out to you first. Fuck Chris you aren’t alone in this. This isn’t one sided. I’m here too you know. But I feel like I’ve been loving you alone.”

Chris shakes his head frantically at that, “That’s—that’s not true Sebastian.”

“Then prove it!” Sebastian’s voice is raised. He’s fed up and he wants clarity. “You couldn’t even call to tell me you were going to make appearances with other girls? Or shoot me a text maybe? For fucks sake Chris I know it’s necessary so why can’t you just tell me? I hate seeing pictures of you with other people, feeling like some jealous side piece that doesn’t know where he stands in your life.”

Chris finds himself at a loss for words. Sebastian’s right. It shouldn’t have been that hard for him to just tell Sebastian his situation. He just couldn’t make himself do it. Fuck. Chris, speak up. He yells at himself internally. Before he could even open his mouth Sebastian continues.

“Or you know what, maybe you didn’t tell me because you seriously wanted to date other people”

“Sebastian that’s not—“

“That has to be it. You got tired of fighting for me, for us. Maybe this wasn’t meant to last forever.” Sebastian laughs bitterly, “I’ve never been permanent for anyone. I should’ve known I was just temporary to you”

Sebastian’s cold voice deafens Chris. He makes a sharp turn to walk out the door when he feels Chris’s strong grasp on his wrist.

Sebastian turns back and looks at him hastily but sees Chris staring back at him with deadly daggers of anger and hurt in his eyes.

“Don’t. You. Ever. _EVER_. Say that.”

Sebastian swallows thickly. He’s never heard Chris speak like that. His voice was deep and angry and coated with a layer of pain. It almost scared him.

A moment later Chris eyes soften and all that’s left is sadness.

“Sebastian…” his voice comes out in a sob, “You don’t understand just how much I love you. It’s terrifying. I’m fucking terrified. I thought I had been in love before. Before I met you. But this? This is like nothing I have _ever_ felt in my entire life. Loving you brings an ache to my chest that I never want to get rid of. Everything about you is a first for me. You’re not only the first man I’ve loved this way, you are the first _person_ I have ever loved this way.”

Sebastian sees a tear fall down his face but is too late to catch it.

“I always thought— I grew up thinking I was a certain way. You know, straight. I thought I’d end up settling down and finding myself a wife. Not because I opposed the possibility of anything else but because I just never thought about anyone else that way before. Not until you came into my life. You shook me to my core Seb. It’s almost like I had to relearn how to live. I didn’t know to what extent my feelings were for you because I’ve never felt them. I thought maybe it would go away. But then that one night 4 years ago, you kissed me and told me you liked me. I just—I couldn’t believe it. But I felt like the luckiest man alive”

”I knew I loved you then but I was also so scared. Because I had to come to terms with what this meant for me. A-and you were so understanding and patient. You knew I wasn’t ready to let anyone know and it comforted me knowing you felt the same way. So we found our own way to navigate this even when it wasn’t ideal to have to be seen with other people sometimes or act differently in public, because we still knew at the end of the day it was you and me.”

Chris moves closer to him and rests his forehead on Sebastian’s. Sebastian sniffles.

“I guess I got too comfortable being scared. I got too comfortable staying hidden. But I knew you were struggling with it as well and instead of helping and doing what I had to do to assure you I was serious about you, I made you feel more alone. My biggest fear was to fuck it all up and I did that anyway.” Chris cups both sides of Sebastian’s face and looks deeply into his eyes, bearing his truth into them.

“Baby… you were never temporary. Never have been, never will be. I’m so _so_ sorry that’s how I made you feel, but it’s so far from the truth Sebastian. Because the truth is, you’re it for me. I’m never going to love anyone else this way. Believe me, out of my own panic I tried to. But nothing works... because it’s you. It’s always been you. You’re it for me.”

Sebastian now has rivers of tears streaming down his face and Chris catches them all. This is all Sebastian has ever wanted to hear, and more. He finally has the certainty he’s needed.

Chris wipes the rest of his tears and rest his hands at Sebastian’s waist. “God knows I don’t deserve you, but maybe you’d still give me some time to do right by you. I still don’t know if I’m ready to tell the world yet but… I won’t shut you out anymore. I’ll be a better partner. I’ll communicate. I won’t hide and I won’t run away. I won’t let you be alone in this anymore. Will you let me do that?”

Chris looks at him hopeful but also terrified that Sebastian might reject him. Sebastian smiles and buries himself into Chris’ arms and his neck. He feels Chris sigh in relief as he wraps his arms around Sebastian tightly.

“Is that a yes?”

Sebastian nods and places a sweet kiss on his neck, it makes Chris’ heart melt. They just stand there and hold each other for a while until Sebastian speaks.

“So… I’m it for you huh?” Sebastian says sweetly.

Chris adjusts both of them so he can get a good look at Sebastian, “Yeah baby, you are.”

He sees the twinkle in Sebastian’s eyes and is determined to keep that twinkle there forever.

“Good. Because you’re it for me too.”

The smile on Sebastian’s face is priceless and Chris knows no amount of money, fame, or reputation can replace what Sebastian brings to his life. One day, he and Sebastian will free their hearts to the world, without fear and without hesitation. One day, he’ll marry this beautiful man whose smile represents actual sunshine and eyes that shine as bright as stars. They’ll build their own family together, a house and kids and dogs. Chris wants his life no other way and sees it with no other person but Sebastian.

He doesn’t realize he’s been staring at Sebastian until Seb laughs, “What are you thinking about?”

“The future.” Chris responds simply, eyes shifting from Seb’s lips to his eyes.

“Oh yeah?” Seb says playfully, “And what do you see?”

Chris grins. “You.”

It catches Sebastian speechless, but he’s overjoyed. Chris loves him. Wholeheartedly and surely. And Sebastian plans on never letting him go.

“I love you Chris.”

Chris cups his face, “I love you baby,” he says back and closes their distance with deep and purposeful kiss.

A kiss that symbolizes a new hope. A kiss that promises the future. Their future. As Sebastian and Chris.


End file.
